I've been all quiet on the furniture upholstery class front. How did it go last week? Honestly, in a word: awful. I was the worst one in class. Apparently, I am not a quick visual learner. I felt a little bit like being caught in a Project Runway episode, except not knowing how to sew. And everyone else does. And instead of the lovely Tim Gunn, my teacher/mentor was not supportive and expected the class to pick up DIY upholstery steps with compressor staple guns after a 5-minute presentation. Although I was the only one who couldn't follow. I think I found my DIY handicap: upholstery. Some highlights from last week if you'd like a laugh, as it is rather funny now when I look back on it.
+ We had to sign a two-page waiver of our legal rights if we lose a limb, poke out an eye, or die as a result of class. I thought it was one of those silly papers that mean nothing other than the company has crossed its Ts and dotted its Is for legal. Then we started the first step: hooking up a special upholstery staple gun (with one-inch staples that apparently can go through bone) to a compressor. Some girl accidentally shot off a staple. Luckily no one got hit, but I proceeded to staple at a one-one-thousand, two-one-thousand slow speed to ensure walking out of class with all 10 fingers intact. Mission accomplished, at least for class one.
+ The teacher encouraged us to put upholstery tacks in our mouth, spit them out one at a time, and grab the tacks with our magnetic tack hammer as a timesaver. That looked like some fraternity hazing test gone wrong, so I opted out of sticking sharp metal tacks in my mouth. And since every step was timed (so that we'd end at a certain point), I didn't finish that step in time. That became a common theme for my night.
+ Did I mention we're building an ottoman? Oh yes. See, I was thinking of some batting, some foam, some fabric we'll be learning to tuck just so. That's coming down the line, I hear. But for the first class, we were met with the wood frame for an ottoman.
+ Nothing says discouraging like spending the first 15 minutes of class going over tools, only to find out that the tools needed to do this yourself will add up to about $500, and you can only buy the essential tools from upholstery shops that sell to the trade or sell in bulk (and you don't need 100 coils, just 5.) Serious downer.
+ The last big step of our first class was the one that killed me. He went through some macrame-esque tying of Italian twine over coils, holding the tension so that the coils would sit exactly 3.5 inches tall, with a finishing knot sequence that completely went over my head. In fact, the teacher's last words to me were "I hope you're not posting that photo you snapped because your knots are all wrong. You did it all wrong." I think my confidence was just compressed, thank you.
So to be clear, the photo above is what you should NOT do. I still don't know how to knot my coils (and am going to class early today to see if I can get some help in figuring it out.) Dan wondered why I would want to go back after such a miserable first class. But I'm not going to quit. I will get something out of this class. And yes, I am a little terrified for Class #2 tonight.
